Friday, October 28, 2011

Another Plea for Help with a SHATTER ME Giveaway!

Thanks to everyone who commented Wednesday on my pitch line and query. You're all in the running for a pre-order of Tahereh Mafi's SHATTER ME (brilliant story!).


For a second chance, I'm begging for your feedback on my first two pages. The Backspace conference is NEXT WEEK. During the first pages workshop, the participating agents will stop me when they would actually stop reading. *ahem* It would be RATHER AWESOME if I made it through the whole two pages. That's why I need your help. Where would/did you stop? Why? Rip me apart!


Okay...deep breath...here's my (revised) pitch line to get you grounded, then the first two pages of my YA paranormal romance, SOULSCAPE.


Pitch!

Seventeen-year-old Katherine Wake cuts a deal with the afterlife's gatekeeper to win her dead soulmate a new body. But she never expected that body to belong to a girl, and holding up her end of the bargain may cost Kat her soul.




I caught him watching every day, drawing in my soul as though he held it on a golden chain. And I held his, but only for a moment. Only until he left. He always left.
He leaned against the cafeteria door that day, fire dancing along his skin. I choked on my apple juice when the first of my classmates walked through him like he didn’t exist. Like he wasn’t ignoring the seniors trading yearbooks and gossip and goodbyes in the space between us. Like he wasn’t the center of the entire universe with his hands stuffed in his jacket pockets, eyes glued to mine. They didn’t notice him, couldn’t see him. No one could. Except me.
I’m yours.
The thought tingled in my fingertips and crawled through my blood, heating it, haunting me, until it burst into a starry night in the pit of my stomach. Breathing wasn’t a possibility. Not for either of us. He stumbled backward, his eyes still pulling me, freezing and melting me at the same time, until he touched two fingers to his lips. My world slowed, then stopped as a whirlwind of gold light burst from his boots and swept around his legs, along his stomach, over his face until he was gone. I’d never thought a heart could disintegrate. I was wrong.
I bit the inside of my cheek and kicked my best friend’s Converse under the table.
“Did you see him, Nicky?” Nick followed the thumb I threw over my shoulder. “Wait! Don’t look!” I smashed my bangs over my eyes, embarrassed and stupidstupidstupid. “I mean, well, look, but don’t look like you’re looking.”
Look or don’t look, I told myself. He’s gone.
Nick tugged on the hoop above his eyebrow and swung his baby blues toward the door. “You mean Frat Perkinson?” He asked, losing his perfect cool as my ex sauntered into the room. “Please, please, don’t tell me you’re interested in him again, Kat.”
“Him who?” Leslie drawled as she squeezed into the seat beside Nick, Penny stiffly taking the one by me.
My oldest friend pursed her lips as she glared at Nick over the top of her glasses. “You two aren’t talking about Nick’s, umm, relations, are you?”
Nick practically rolled on the floor. “Relations, Penny Perfect? That’s the word of the day? I’m sure the big guy upstairs appreciates my thoughtful approach to free love. My selfless dedication to gender equality. My unceasing efforts to love all the little children of the world.”
I slipped from my seat as the same hateful fireworks from every other day exploded between my best friends. But I couldn’t help Leslie calm them down. I couldn’t even calm myself, still catching my breath from the way the boy’s eyes burned for me. In the moment the world had hiccupped, he saw something bigger, something grander than my mirror ever reflected, massive in its intensity and whispering…no, screaming the words that made my insides pull and twist, live and die.
I’m yours.
He’s gone.
That was our beginning.


Okay, darlings. Break out the red pens!


I'll announce the winner of SHATTER ME on Sunday, as well as post an updated query and two pages for any last minute feedback. Then I'm off to Backspace!


-Marie

3 comments:

Laura said...

I'm intrigued, my friend.

I'll email some comments! ((hugs))

~L

Riley Redgate said...

Hey Marie! I found my way here from the Backspace page. I'm the first person on the list for YA group 1 - can't wait for Thursday!

Anyway, that aside. Moving on to the pitch + pages! Hold tight with me here - I'm a nitpicker and a compulsive complainer. But I hope at least some of this perspective is helpful.

In the pitch, I'd cut everything after "...to belong to a girl." The ending of the line doesn't tell me much - a deal with the afterlife's gatekeeper implies some eternal consequences, after all - and the twist is FANTASTIC.

Okay. Pages:

First paragraph: Does 'his' refer to his soul, or his eyes? I know you never refer to eyes before that, but you say she caught him watching her, so my mind's eye was picturing ... well, eyes.

Second paragraph: This sentence makes me wary: "Like he wasn’t the center of the entire universe with his hands stuffed in his jacket pockets, eyes glued to mine." 'the center of the entire universe' puzzles me a little. Does she just mean HER entire universe, because she's so fixated on him?

Fourth paragraph: "The thought tingled in my fingertips and crawled through my blood, heating it, haunting me, until it burst into a starry night in the pit of my stomach." The starry night description feels like too much for me. By this point, I'm waiting for things to start happening.

"a whirlwind of gold light" - can gold light be in a whirlwind?

Fifth paragraph: "kicked my best friend’s Converse" - the shoes, right? That should be Converses. Or, y'know. Just shoes might be the ticket.

Sixth paragraph: "“Did you see him, Nicky?” Nick followed the thumb I threw over my shoulder. “Wait! Don’t look!”" - put line breaks to separate Nick's action from her dialogue. Tagging her words with what he's doing is jarring.

"I smashed my bangs over my eyes, embarrassed and stupidstupidstupid." I feel like this might work better for me if it read "...eyes, embarrassed. Stupidstupidstupid.

Lost track of paragraphs ack!

"Leslie drawled as she squeezed into the seat beside Nick, Penny stiffly taking the one by me."
I'd give Penny her own sentence. She's the 'oldest friend' referred to in the next paragraph, right? In that case, I'd put "Penny stiffly took the one by me" by her other actions.

"Nick practically rolled on the floor." Not... quite sure what this is trying to say.

"In the moment the world had hiccupped, he saw something bigger, something grander than my mirror ever reflected, massive in its intensity and whispering…no, screaming the words that made my insides pull and twist, live and die." This is beautifully written, but I don't really know what it means. When was the moment the world hiccupped? Does Kat mean he saw something grander IN HER? I'm not sure whether 'massive in its intensity' might be a little much alongside the other dramatic flourishes (pull & twist, live & die).

That's it for me. Love, love, LOVE your premise! Re: the pages, I'm still not sure WHAT the boy is. Which is okay. But I'm not sure whether Kat knows what he is or not, and that's more of a problem. Is this a regular occurrence for her - like, are there others like him out there? Or is he the only one she sees?

-----

I might steal this idea - I'm super nervous about this workshop. *bites nails* See you next week!

Riley Redgate said...

(and by 'this idea' i mean posting pages and offering crit rewards! not your story idea. XD

also, my first paragraph comment doesn't really make sense as written. I guess my main issue was that I wondered how they could hold each other's souls, draw them in, etc. - because i assume this is happening literally, not figuratively, since this is paranormal.)